The Road Back to Love After Heartbreak
“Plenty of fish in the sea.” It’s a phrase we’ve all heard after a breakup. While the sentiment is often well-intended and optimistic, embarking on your journey to “catch” your next lover can be daunting. After my last breakup, I felt so much social pressure to move on from heartbreak that I threw myself into a string of awful Tinder dates that made me question whether the search to find love again was worth it.
The Heartbreak
I started dating when I was in college. I was a queer Black woman out and about in the world for the first time, exploring love and sexuality at my own awkward pace. Seeking out my “forever partner” had been my dream since I opened my first romance novel in middle school. Well, young me would be disappointed to learn that real-life dating isn’t exactly being swept off your feet by a hot vampire like in Black Dagger Brotherhood. In reality, I was navigating missed social cues, facing the complexities of dating while Black, and learning every boundary I had all at once. While the journey wasn't quite what I expected, I loved discovering the nuances of my sexuality and expressing sexual freedom.
Eventually, I got into a relationship with someone I met on a dating app. When I broke the news to my family, surprise coloured their faces. They were excited for me to start the traditional path that led to marriage and kids. Little did any of us know that I would go through a year of misery and hell dating that person. When the toxicity became too much to handle, I decided it was time to end the relationship. The breakup was big, painful and messy and drove me out of an entire city.
When family and friends found out, they tried to console me with words about how I’m young and I’ll find someone else. Everyone had something to suggest about dating again. I sat with them, smiling and nodding while I felt everything collapsing internally. We had just broken up. What happened to patience and healing? Why was everyone rushing me to try again and again?
Trying Again
I did try. I tried date after date with faces that blurred together and conversations that repeated the same questions over and over. It was a never-ending cycle of swiping, exchanging numbers, sharing empty smiles at pubs and movie theatres, and eventually, blocking or ghosting. Every date, especially with cis men, felt temporary and pointless. At times, it made me question if something was wrong with me. Three years post-breakup, I had gone from a hopeless romantic to a jaded cynic. We were all in this loop of love and lust, and I was just about ready to break away from it.
Until one blind date.
My friend asked me to join them on a double date, and despite the distaste I had gained for dating, I agreed. What was there to lose? I sat down at the dinner table, certain that it would be my last date for a while. And it turns out I was right. But not for the reasons I expected.
That night, I met my current partner. They were silly and shy and I couldn’t help but be charmed by their goofy smile. Their bashfulness reminded me of a time when I was the same. They didn’t even ask for my number after the date—I took the initiative and sought them out, which I still laugh about because it was so unlike me. The love I had always been looking for seemed to fall into my lap when I least expected it.
What I wish I’d heard instead of “Plenty of fish in the sea.”
The journey to love after heartbreak is not always direct or easy. Yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but that doesn’t mean you will find yours right away. Dating can be a great way to have fun and learn more about yourself. But don’t let the social pressures to find “the one” get to you. Take your time and trust your judgement. There may be some heartbreak and disappointments along the way, but it’s worth it to find the love you deserve.
✦