Self-Love Isn’t a Fantasy
Where was my fairy godmother when I didn't feel magical on bleak days?
Growing up, I faced the social pressures that come with being a Black girl, followed by confusing identity crises, and severe emotional repression. Basically, this is the fancy way of me saying that I hated every fibre of who I was and how I looked. I wanted to be someone who was favoured in society, even if it meant chipping away from my uniqueness and what makes me the colourful person I am. I had a hard time in my late teens and early twenties, believing that I was worthless and offered so little socially, physically, and even sexually. I defined my value as a human being by comparing myself to what I saw online and what others had achieved. Despite all these tumultuous feelings, I was expected to keep functioning like the world was bright and covered in cherry blossoms.
I wanted someone to appear and magically make everything okay. While the outside world wasn’t innocent, I got to a point where I knew I had to go within to make a change. So deep in my self-loathing, I was skeptical of whether self-love was even possible for me. But after some trial and error, I learned how to cultivate my own unique practice and be my own fairy godmother. I’m writing these musings on self-love for my past self, and hopefully to encourage hope for someone else’s future.
What makes self-love feel like a fantasy?
Social media has unfortunately curated an often unrealistic image of what self-love looks like. I know that as an introvert who hates mornings, my version of self-love is not going to be sunrise yoga or hosting a cute brunch with friends. I had to shake the illusion that needing something different meant self-love wasn’t attainable for me. It's important to remember that we are all unique individuals with our own preferences, strengths and weaknesses and that it's okay to be imperfect.
Online depictions of self-love also tend to be simplified and shallow. The image of a fancy bubble bath and a glass of wine comes to mind. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good soak. But content like this creates the false narrative that if I just sprinkle some epsom salts and pour a glass of rosé, all my inner turmoil will magically wash away. I wish it were that easy, but that’s just not the case.
There is a tougher, more honest side to self-love that we often don’t see shared online. For me, this looks like setting boundaries even when it’s uncomfortable, opening up when things aren’t going well, and asking for help when I need it. Therapy has also been a huge help on my path to self-love.
Breaking away from the fantasy
Practicing self-care is an important part of finding self-love. This looks different for everyone, so it’s all about finding what works for you. Here are some of my tips for getting started on your self-care journey.
Give yourself forgiveness and patience. I’ve found this to be very enriching when learning to be gentle toward myself. If you don’t live up to your self-care expectations all the time, don’t be hard on yourself. No healing journey is linear or perfect.
Throw your comparisons out the window. Remember that social media is a curated space, and every day isn’t going to look picture-ready. By giving ourselves the space to be who we are, flaws and all, we can slowly ease away from the unrealistic fantasy of what self-love looks like online.
Regularly make time for yourself. You can start small by spending a few minutes every day (or even every week, if that feels more manageable) doing what feels good to you. This could be journaling, reading, mindful meditation, making a playlist, playing around with visual arts, or really anything that feels grounding. A huge part of loving yourself is loving the life you live, so by adding something enjoyable into your routine, you’re one step closer.
Practice setting boundaries. It’s so important to have them in all sorts of relationships, from strangers to family. When you establish boundaries, you are creating a baseline of respect from yourself and others, protecting your mental and emotional wellness. Remember that your boundaries will be unique to your personal needs and comfort levels.
Ultimately, finding self-love in a broken society requires us to challenge ideas of what we should be and to embrace our authentic selves. It's not always an easy journey, but with patience and self-compassion, it's possible to cultivate a deep and meaningful sense of self-love. Self-love is an everyday practice and should adapt and change with you. It doesn’t need to be perfect, but it must be solely yours.
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